Process journal day 11

WOW, day 11.
This week has bee so HARD, especially compared to Air week. I have felt more, brought out more, started more fights, felt more compassion and less compassion... it has just been nuts. And to top it off.... it has rained every single day, multiple times. Seriously I thought DL was full of shit w/ the daily messages over i being winder than any other time and blah blah blah, but this week has proved to me that she wasn't and it just depends on where you need to focus. Where I need to focus.
As I said to nicki- I tend to declutter to far, getting rid of things that can hurt me or have hurt me in the past so I don't have to deal with or think of them. Makes moving on SO much easier,... but all of that bagage is still there and still wants to be processed. So! Hello Water Week.

All but the last thing on DL's list oh how I relate to my body are accurate.
I have been horrible to my body.
I think negative things... ugly, stretch marks, fat, rolls, scars, moles, skin tags, bruises.... all things I constantly have an inner narrative about. or did have. I have worked very hard to declutter THOSE thoughts the last several weeks.

I have deliberately put my body through unnecassary pain, horrifically painful sex, tattoos, peircings, digging my nails into my palms and leg tops (not recently) and having thoughts of suicide and physically harming myself. Again things I work on, but are becoming far easier to NOT have. As a matter of fact, today was the first time in 2 months that I thought of deliberately hurting myself for no reason. At the very least tattooing and peircings (to me) are decorative.

I have been guilty of ignoring my body until it is in aboslute crisis mode. I am starting to recognize the twitches before that happens and haven't had even ONE CASE of emergancy I HAVE to use the bathroom NOW in 2 weeks. Ok, 11 days. Ironically.

I have drank more water- eaten better (today I did have some pretzels at the bridal shower. They didn't even taste good. LOL it was too WET for them to stay CRISP and crunchy... which is really why I liked them.) I did switch my toothpaste and started using act which has really helped with the sensitivity in my teeth making it possible for me to crunchy ice (no, I don't lack iron, I AM anemic, decidedly so, but I have been taking prescription strength iron. I choose ice because it gives me the crunch with no calories and life giving water!)

All in ALL I have spent a long time doing the exact opposite of what my body and soiul craved. I am no longer going to do that and moving forward will pay close attention to how I relate to my body.

Its a damn good body. I'm going to keep it for a long time.

- Expressive eyes
- Strong sense of smell
- Excellent spread on fingers allowing for piano playing and easy typing!
- Really nice toe nails
- A hearty pair of shoulders
- Easy to maintain body hair (ha! I shave MAYBE twice a month, because I don't HAVE to shave more than that! Light colored hair!)
- Very clear skin free of any major problems! Or even minor ones. I have great skin!